I’m gaining weight like mad. I’ll be epistemologically irresponsible, and say that 50% of it is muscle and 50% of it is the consequence of my succulent breakfasts (which consist of about a litter of coffee and, certainly, a whole package of XXXTentaciones cookies).

From the pedestal of my corporate job, my twelve Twitter followers, and the absolutely laughable degree I’m pursuing, I declare myself your only saviour, and present to you six ways to ooze away from suicide:

Snooze away from suicide

Has life lost its charm? Are you unable to remember who you used to be? Don’t worry! Snooze it away! Take a warm shower, slide under the sheets, and nap like a freak! Are you unable to sleep, because that’s how your depression works? Don’t worry: Have you ever heard of alcohol? Drink yourself to sleep, and you’ll wake up happy, renewed, and…you know how alcohol works! Your insides will be disinfected as well. If that doesn’t work, with your fully disinfected organs, you could:

Be transphobic on Twitter

We all know that elementary school handbooks provide incomplete and simplified explanations of complex processes and events. If, for instance, one wants to share one’s opinion regarding international politics, it’s always more sound to Google search the issue, read the opinions of experts, which one, hopefully, will be able to understand at one’s current reading level, than it is to just fall into an issue almost naked, wearing only whatever one half-remembers from what one saw at school. And, of course, one can’t present what one has lived as the universal parameter for what is possible. Some experiences will exceed one’s own, and, in that case, it’s better to sit down, listen and learn.

Oh, well: I inform you that that is not the case for transsexuality, AT ALL!

Arrive at the issue, as a contrarian who ignores the medical State of the Art, and just throw whatever you might have learned at biology class when you were nine years old! Yes! The truth is limited to what a nine-year-old who’s not particularly bright, is able to grasp.  Doesn’t it give you life to spare?! Just find a tranny, mistreat them, make particularly offensive comments targeting some of the most traumatic internal tensions they’ve ever had to deal with, if you can, dox them, and become a conservative hero.

Bonus points if you have a wide following that has you thinking on their behalf: You’re gonna live forever, dude!

Sexually satisfy a truck driver

Get out of bed, Mr./Ms./Mrs./Mx. Lazy! Come on! Walk, jog or drive to your closest truck stop (click here to find those available in your area), and make love with your mouth to a sweaty transportation worker who will surely appreciate your help. Isn’t our capacity to bring joy to others, life’s biggest gift?! Seize it!

Clean your room

Bucko!

Drop out of capitalism

Fall asleep looking at the stars, every night. Be one with nature, particularly with the fungus growing on your left leg due to hygienic deficiencies. Your body is a temple, and there’s a ceremony: You’ve got a fire in your chest, and rumbling drums in your belly. Ain’t that romantic?

Blog about pilates!

Are you absolutely crazy about the ‘lates? Why not blog about it? Enroll in a pilates class, roll with it for a couple of weeks, and start blogging about it- Are you too depressed to do pilates?! Come on! In the end, it’s a choice! You will always be bad at having a well-balanced brain chemistry if you don’t practice! Blogging about pilates is a great way to do so.

Featured Image:  “Leap into the Void” (1960) by Harry Shunk

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